Longing for Love Page 24

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  “Finish your breakfast and I’ll call Uncle Brock to see if Jenae is here yet,” I tell Danie as I leave the kitchen. I need to go get dressed myself and get ready. By the time I’ve showered, dressed, and finished in the bathroom, my phone is going off on my bed. I walk over and see I’ve missed several calls from Brock. Jenae must be here! Excitement starts my blood flowing as I snatch up my phone and call him back. I hear him answer but it’s silent. I pull back my phone and look at it. It’s connected. “Brock! Brock? Is Jenae here?” I hear sniffles on the other end and more in the background. Oh, no! Did something happen to Jenae? To Taren? “Brock. What’s wrong? Is Taren okay? Jenae, is she….”

  “Kane.” He sniffs again and coughs. I’m confused, scared. What in the hell is going on?

  “Brock, man. You’re scaring me here,” I speak into the phone, my voice cracking.

  “Kane. Jenae is here. She’s…. She’s beautiful. Taren’s fine. It’s…. It’s Pop.” What? What the hell? “Kane.” His voice cracks and he sniffs again. “Kane. Pop had a heart attack early this morning. He and Ma were here all night. They were here when Jenae came.” A heart attack. Shit! No! “Kane. It was fatal.”

  He’s gone? He…. He died? How can that be? He was larger than life yesterday. He looked great, playing with Danie, giving her so much time and love. He can’t be. No! “Wha…. What?” I feel like my voice has left, my body drained of everything that sustained me. Pop gone. I look round, running my hand over my head. How do I tell Danie? How do I tell her that another person who loved her has died – left her. She’d grown so comfortable with him, loved him in such a short time. God! I can’t believe this! Her bad dream last night. Did she feel something was going to happen? A premonition of what was to come?

  “Kane?”

  Brock’s voice pulls me back. “How’s Ma?” Stupid question.

  “She’s hanging in there. She went home a little bit ago, said she’d be back up later. I just feel….” He sniffs again.

  “I know, man. How are you holding up? You were there. Did you get to see him? Did you see it happen?” God, how horrible for him. He brings a daughter into the world and loses his father at the same time.

  “I’m okay. At least I have Taren and Jenae here. This is gonna be really hard on Danie. All the progress she’s made. No, I saw him about thirty minutes before I found out what happened. He and Ma had gone down to the cafeteria for some coffee after they held Jenae.” I swallow hard, imagining them there. “He held her, Kane. He and Ma held her for a long time before they left, before he….” He chokes out a sob. My eyes are dry. I’m not crying. What’s wrong with me? How can I not cry for my own father? Shock. Maybe I’m just in shock and worried about how I’m gonna tell Danie.

  “I’m gonna….” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m gonna call Danie’s therapist and see if I can tell Danie with her. I think that will be best. I’ll text Bria and let her know too. I’ll…. I’ll tell her about Jenae too. I….” I can’t think anymore. I need to call Danie’s doctor and see if she can see her quickly. I don’t want to put it off. I know she works on Saturday mornings. Maybe she’ll make an exception and get Danie in. “I need to go. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “Okay.” More sniffles and my heart won’t stop being lodged in my throat. “Kane? I love you, man.”

  Love. You love a person your whole life and suddenly they’re gone. You don’t get time to say goodbye, to tell them how much they mean to you. They’re just gone. “Yeah. Uh…. Love you too, Brock. You just take care of yourself, Taren, and Jenae. I’ll get up there later, okay?” He tells me he’ll see us later and I drop my phone onto the mattress. I’ve never experienced someone close to me dying before. Oh, Brock, Taren, and I almost lost our lives but at that time I’d reacted out of protection and self-preservation. This is different. Much different.

  I look around my room, not knowing what to do with myself. I hear a sound and look at the door. Danie. How will I be able to tell her? I walk over and squat down in front of her, worry covers her face and in her eyes. “Hey, sweetheart. Why don’t you go get dressed and brush your teeth and I’ll come brush your hair when you’re done. Okay?” She nods and walks the short distance to her room. I turn around and let out a sigh and walk back over to the bed and pick up my phone, calling her doctor. Her doctor is so nice and cleared a spot in a half an hour to see Danie so I could tell her about Pop in her presence. I’m relieved. I don’t know if I could handle it on my own. Then I send a text to Bria. Bria. I can’t talk to her right now, can’t handle it. Seems selfish but I’m numb and not sure what all to do yet. Everything feels out of place, like it’s not real.

  Kane: Bria. Pop had a sudden heart attack and died early this morning. That’s all I know but I wanted you to know. Fuck, I hate telling you over the phone but I need to get Danie to her therapist to tell her there.

  It feels cruel telling her by text but I seriously can’t handle it right now. My phone vibrates in my hand.

  Bria: Oh, no! Kane! I’m so sorry! Is there anything I can do?

  Is there anything she can do? Hold me. No. There’s nothing anyone can do.

  Kane: Thank u. Not right now but I also wanted to let you know that Jenae was born before it happened. I’m sure Brock and Taren would love it if you want to go see her.

  There. I’ve told her everything I feel like I can. There’s nothing left in me except for helping Danie through this. It’s the only thing I can think of.

  Bria: Aww! Thank u for letting me know. Maybe I’ll see you up there in a bit. Please, if there’s anything I can do, just let me know. I love u.

  Love. There’s that word again. So easy to say but love has a way of breaking your heart.

  Kane: Love u 2

  I’m numb. I walk to Danie’s room and see her sitting on her bed. She knows something is wrong, can feel it. I look down and see her holding her brush. Walking over, I sit down beside her and take the brush, she turns to the side giving me access to take care of her unruly hair. “Such a good girl, Little Miss.” I begin brushing through the snarls, feeling the softness in my hand from washing it last night. “So, Dr. Moray wants to see you this morning.” She turns her head. Her little brows lowered over her eyes in confusion. “She said I could be with you this time. Would you like that?” She nods and smiles. Fuck! I feel horrible, like I’m lying to her. “Good. We’ll go there as soon as I’m done here.” She nods again and turns her head back so I can finish. I have to say, I’m getting pretty good at ponytails. Next, conquer braiding. God help me.

  We get to Dr. Moray’s office a little before our time but I guess we’re her first appointment because as soon as we enter the waiting room, her door opens and she walks towards us with a smile. “Mr. Evans. Danie. Nice to see you. Please, come in.” I take Danie’s hand and we walk inside. Danie leads me over to the couch, like the big girl she is, and we both sit down. “How are you, Danie?” Danie looks up and gives her a smile and the doctor smiles back. “Good.” Dr. Moray looks at me. “I understand there’s been something in the family that’s happened that you’d like to explain to Danie? I’m glad you called so I could be of help.” Danie immediately snaps her head to me, her big brown eyes melting my heart.

  “Uh, yeah.” I look at the doctor and then turn sideways and take Danie’s hands. Fuck! This is gonna be so hard. “Hey, Little Miss. You know that your mommy loved you very much, right?” Danie nods and my eyes move to the doctor and I see her nodding in encouragement so I look back at Danie. “And you know that Grandpop loves you so much too, right?” She nods, a little warily. “Sometimes things happen to people we love, like your mommy. You know she didn’t want to leave you but God had other plans for her. You understand that now, right?” Fuck! I hate this! I hate all of this! She nods. Her eyes have a tint of wetness. I look away, having a hard time choking out what I know I need to. I look back at her and give her a sad smile. “God also wanted Grandpop to come live with him.” Her chin
starts quivering and tears begin to fall down her little cheeks. “I know it’s hard, baby. You know that Grandpop is my daddy?” Her eyes widen as more tears drop heavily. So young. So hard to understand. I don’t even understand it. Not sure I’m ever gonna be able to. Suddenly, she crawls into my lap, her little arms wrapping tightly around my neck, and her little body begins shaking with her loud sobs. I hold onto her as tightly as I can without hurting her, my hand moving to the back of her head. “I know, sweetheart. I know. I love him too.” I look over at Dr. Moray, tears falling down her face. She nods and gives us some time to grieve only I still don’t cry. I still can’t fathom that he’s actually gone. I just – can’t.

  “Pop…. Pop.” She sobs and my heart takes a leap. She talked! Oh, my God! She talked! My eyes snap to the doctors. Her mouth is open but a smile lights up her face. “Pop-pop!” She screams into my chest, drenching my shirt. I don’t care. She can destroy my shirt if she wants to. She talked! Am I jealous the first word to leave her sweet mouth isn’t Daddy? Hello, no! I’m actually glad it is Pop. It couldn’t be more perfect. “Pop-pop.” She cries, her little hands fisting my shirt from below my neck. “I know, baby. Let it out. It’s okay to miss him. I miss him too.”

  I start to worry about her, crying for so long, but after ten minutes or so, her cries quiet down to sniffles and hiccupping. She pulls away from my chest, her face stained with her tears and fresh ones still leaving her eyes. “No fair,” she whimpers. I pull her back to me and tighten my grip.

  Thank fuck Dr. Moray starts talking because there’s no way I can explain just how unfair this is to her without damaging her. “Sometimes life isn’t fair, Danie. But sometimes things that are unfair that happen to us or the ones we love help make us stronger, better people. We care about them so much, love them with all our heart, and when they leave, we miss them so badly.” Danie turns her head until she’s laying it on my chest but able to see the doctor. “We’ve talked so much about your mommy and how she still lives in your heart and your mind, full of memories. Your grandpop will be the same for you. You hold onto him with your heart and your mind.” She moves her hand to her heart and then the side of her head, giving Danie a sincere smile. “Remember?” Danie nods and sniffs, followed by a hiccup. “I know it’s not the same as if they were here but at least we have that to hold onto, right?” Danie nods again.

  “And I’m here, Little Miss,” I tell her giving her a squeeze. She looks up at me, a small smile playing on her face. She sniffles again and wipes her nose with her hand. I look up when I see a tissue next to me, the doctor holding a small box of them, and she gives me a smile. I take a couple and dab at Danie’s nose and wipe off her hand. I look down and smile. “As long as I am here on earth, you’ll always have me. I’ll love you forever, Danie.”

  She sits up and throws herself around me and I fight to keep myself under control. I don’t know how long we sit here, holding onto each other, not wanting to let go, but finally she pulls back and searches my eyes. “I love you, Daddy.” The tears that hadn’t come fill my eyes quickly as I pull her back to me.

  “I love you too, Danie. Always.”

  I look over Danie and see the doctor’s hand fly up to cover her mouth, tears flowing down her cheeks. I close my eyes but no tears fall. I rub my face against my precious girl’s cheek and relish the love I feel.

  She talked.

  She called me Daddy.

  She talked!

  I’d wonder about the day she’d finally call me Daddy, how I’d feel. There’s no way on this earth to describe the feelings I’m having right now. I don’t think there’s a perfect description even in the dictionary for it. There couldn’t be.

  We sit here for a long time, holding each other, and then Danie sits on my lap as we talk more to Dr. Moray. “Danie, would you like Bethany to take you to get a sucker? That is, if it’s okay with Daddy.” She smiles at me and I look down at Danie.

  “Daddy? Sucker? Please?”

  I look over at the door to see a nice young woman standing there holding it open, smiling, then look back at Danie. “I think that would be very nice.” Danie claps and smiles. I lean down and get close to her ear. “Do you think I can have one too?” Danie looks at Bethany and then at me.

  “Yes. You need one too, Daddy.”

  I pull her to me again and give her a tight squeeze then help her off my lap. “You can pick mine out, okay?” She nods eagerly. “I’ll be there in a couple of minutes.” She nods again and runs to Bethany. As soon as the door shuts I begin to stand.

  “And how are you holding up, Mr. Evans.” Dr. Moray’s voice stops me and I stay seated. “I understand this is your father, correct?”

  I rub my hand over the scruff on my face and sigh. “Yeah. He’s my dad. I’m not sure yet. Kinda numb.” She nods, her brows furrowed. “I’ll be okay. My main concern is Danie and my family right now.” I stand ready to get outta here. I need to go to Ma’s. She needs me just as much as I need her. The doctor stands and walks me to the door. I put my hand on the knob but she stops me from opening it with her hand against the door. I look up in surprise.

  She gives me a sad look. “It’s great to try to be the man of the house now, be strong, and take care of everyone’s needs but you need to let yourself grieve too, Mr. Evans. Even the strongest need to release their grief and feel their own loss, it’s okay to do that. It’s needed for you to be able to survive.”

  I clear my throat. “Yeah, I know. I just…. Can’t yet, ya know?’

  She smiles and removes her hand from the door, folding her arms around her. “I understand that and everyone grieves in their own way as well. It’s expected. Just remember, at some point, you do need to do that, for yourself as well as the ones you love. You won’t be good for them if you don’t. It can destroy some. Will you remember that?” I give her a nod and let out a deep breath.

  “I’ll try,” I tell her and try to smile. Not sure it came out as much of a smile because I don’t feel it.

  “Good. Now, go take care of your daughter. Such great progress was made today. I’m glad you called to tell her with me present, letting me help you both get through it. I’ll see her next week. Please. Take care of yourself.”

  I give her another nod and open the door. Nothing can make me feel stronger than the look on my daughters face when she sees me and when she starts running to me, her arms open wide. I bend down and lift her up into my arms as she yells, “Daddy.” Nothing like hearing that come out of that sweet little mouth. Nothing. “Whoa! Careful there, Little Miss. You shouldn’t run with a sucker like that. Now, where’s mine?” She smiles and unwraps the other sucker as I walk out of the office, then she pushes it into my mouth. “Mmmm, cherry.” She laughs and puts hers back into her mouth, the juice coating her hand and running down her arm.

  After getting Danie into her car seat, I suck on my sucker as I drive over to Ma’s. So much filtering through my mind. The funeral. The bar. The construction business. Ma being alone for the first time in so many years, the house will be so empty except for our Sunday family time. She must be going crazy already. When I round the corner to their street, I see cars in the driveway and along the curb. Huh, I thought she’d be alone. I should have known better, knowing my family and how close we all are. I recognize Caylan’s truck and Taren’s mom’s car as I pull into the one side of the driveway that’s empty. Looking into the rearview mirror as I put it in park, I see Danie’s asleep in her seat, still holding on to the now empty stick from her sucker. I smile, not able to help it. I’m fucking lucky to have her in my life, even though the circumstances weren’t great. What if Courtney had never told me about her? Would she have kept her from me? Forever? I shudder thinking about how I may have never known I had a daughter, looking into that sweet face and those big brown eyes. I can’t think about all the “what if’s”, it’ll drive me insane.

  I unbuckle the harness from around Danie and remove the stick from her sticky hand, putting it in my front pocket, then pi
ck her up. Her head lays over my shoulder, her body limp in sleep. I close her door as quietly as I can and carry her to the front door, open it, and close it. I hear voices coming from the kitchen but walk upstairs and to Danie’s room here, laying her down in her bed, covering her up. I go to the bathroom in the hall, grab a wash cloth and soak it in warm water, then wring it out and go back to her and clean her sticky hand and arm. After putting the wash cloth on the bathroom counter, I walk downstairs and take a deep breath, ready to be strong for Ma.

  “And then he dipped it into the ice cream maker and pulled it out, ice cream dripping all over the place.” Ma’s voice laughing hysterically makes me wonder what in the hell is going on? What happened to grieving? “I swear! The look on his face was priceless!” I walk into the kitchen just as she’s slapping her hands against her legs, sitting down at the table. Caylan and Irish are roaring with laughter. What the hell? Suddenly, Caylan and Irish look up and see me, their mouths snapping close. Ma turns around and jumps out of her seat, running over to me and throws her arms around my waist. “My boy!” I fold her into me, expecting a torrent of tears but she pulls back and smiles up at me. What in the fuck is going on?